harmless? bananas!

Finding Your Source Of Strength

It’s been another long, tiring day, surviving on four and a half hours of sleep again. I really need to make an effort to get enough rest to allow me to get through the next day, and maybe enjoy my time off work better.

Today’s lessons were a mixed bag. There was some improvement of participation in some classes, but there were others that were a total nightmare! There was a particular one that had 40 students in total, all the way from Secondary One to Secondary Four.. and I guess I got the full brunt of disruptive students. It really is a minority that sap all your strength, and can make you question your resolve, or why you’re doing this in the first place.

Also, one of the teachers came to talk to me and thank me for my efforts, as well as share a bit more about the school. As we chatted, it became startlingly apparent that I was only tasting the full workload and responsibilities of a teacher. As you can imagine, I am starting to doubt if I actually have it in me to make this a career and change my own life.

As I made my daily pilgrimage to the kopitiam near my house after work, I was watching this video from the Monocle Podcast. It’s about Thandi Wines, the first Vineyard and Wine Company managed by a black collective in an industry dominated by white men, until now. Do watch the video, it’s quite inspirational seeing their general manager talk with so much passion about what he does, why he believes in it, and why he knows it’s the right thing to do. This passion translates into energy, and the application of knowledge, experience and labour in an economical and profitable manner. And like he says, improving the lives of his fellow men.

So it got me thinking about my own passions. Passion to teach and nurture that is. Or passion to come up with lesson plans, or improve the quality of education. What exactly is it? And what will allow me to come to work daily, full of purpose? Courage and strength to change what I can, and wisdom to accept what I can’t. I’m still a bit unsure, there are plenty of noble things that come with teaching, but the reality is that it is a lot of hard work, a lot students who don’t care, who don’t fit in.. and while there is nothing morally wrong, or factually wrong (if there’s a statistic for success vs. failure), and people always fall through the cracks.. I do wonder if the acceptance that one teacher cannot save everyone is throwing in the towel, or being realistic.. to apply energies more economically to helping those that want help.

I suspect this is one of those things where it cannot just measured by pros and cons. I have a sneaking suspicion that the cons might outweigh the pros, but I do wonder if that’s what its like to be in the civil service. But one of my main concerns is, will there be a work-life balance? Will workflow be more streamlined the longer I stay in this field, and not need to spend so much energy performing the most basic of tasks. I hope the realisation comes sooner than later.