I wished I had a voice like Junior Kimbrough, able to translate all the emotions I feel into simple verses and rhymes. Unfortunately, I think too much, and even when I write it down, it comes out as a muddled mess, and there’s always something to edit, something to change.. and it never comes out raw, or transient, like the way it was supposed to.
I hope I have the capacity for the blues one day, I’m really not practicing the guitar as much as I should. I’ve been playing for years, and my skills have plateaued. But when I learn something new, I get so lazy, and.. I’m not pursuing my craft.
It kills me that I waste time like this. It kills me when there are things I could be doing, but I end up.. staring into space, dreaming that I’ll get there when I haven’t taken the first step.
I don’t know what everybody’s so happy about. Or oblivious about. Increasingly my feeds are not filled with people sharing, but with personalities, brands and everything that makes living, impotent.
Is this what the future was supposed to be?
What happened to those of us who shared our thoughts and feelings online, without a brazen care in the world, nor thought about the consequences of social media policies or the melange of “how-to’s” and “you should’s”.
My feeds are a cold dead place, few are truly engaging.. and every article preaches something that isn’t. Everyone has an agenda, a message to sell, a piece of our ornamental selves, elevating us to the shallow pedestal of fifteen minute fame. There is little that is personal about the web anymore.
And maybe that’s why I had to leave it all behind. I don’t know how to be anything but myself. And when I don’t fit into that cookie cutter, mass produced, factory assembled media practitioner.. I am not a mass communicator. I don’t do well with mass appeal. I loathe it, and I loathe myself for what I had to accomplish. Not that my soul is plunged into the depths of hell for it, it’s just a selfish personal preference.
So I’m still searching for that spark of passion, to do something I really want to do. But alas, my house isn’t in order, and it doesn’t feel like I’m anywhere closer finding out what it is that I want to do.
You’ll be there waiting for me won’t you? It’s the only hope I got, even though I don’t always remember it.
It’s nice that you can watch Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations on Youtube, especially when such content gets taken down faster than pirate DVD sellers run from the law. Well, that’s exactly what I was doing today, and yes.. to live like Bourdain himself would seem to be the life -)
This might be a food centric TV show, and my.. how all that sushi and yakitori look phenomenal, I’m really impressed at the over-arching theme of simplicity and bushido that seems ingrained in this take on Japanese culture.
I’m always fascinated by simplicity, how something so seemingly simple (at the loss of a better word), holds so much complexity. Especially for over thinking neurotics like myself, the attainment of simplicity would be heaven on earth. The essence of simplicity achieved through the deconstruction of the distractions around us, so that the final presentation attains a clarity even in the polarised contrast of ingredients. Two sides of the same coin my friend.
Well, I just shared all that just so you might know. Watch the episode below!
It’s amazing what a slight change can do to help inspire you.
For the longest time, I had been trying to find the right identity / personality to go behind singularity industries, and the saddest thing was that I tried to create one.
Funny thing about blogging, if you’re doing it because you like sharing your thoughts, is that it can call your bluff. Do you go ahead with a fabricated you, or do you stick to who you are?
While it sounds a bit narcissistic, I guess I’ve always had faith in my ability in this area, and it just seemed like the natural thing to make both personalities for both blogs, similar. And just being able to blog in my own voice again, is such a relief. It makes it easier to talk about the things I want to talk about without sounding like a douche.
In response, I will no longer publicise harmless? bananas! anymore on other social media channels, instead leaving this for my personal musings and rants. Circa pre-corporate life.
The new arrangement just puts me at ease, and the only thing that worries me is that I am retreating into a comfort zone, which in my paranoia means I’m lazy. But objectively, I am churning out more posts, at least for the past two days.. and if this is my necessary groove.. I should learn to accept that and not pretend I’m something I’m not.
So some small changes have actually become the catalyst to a new wave of content creation. Not that I can complain, and not like anyone will read this now anyway.
I was a twentieth century boy who turned eighteen at the turn of the twenty first century. You might call us the children of the millennium and our inheritance was be the new century.
Funny how it doesn’t really feel that way.
Posted: March 23rd, 2010
Categories: Journal
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So I’m back, after close to four weeks maybe? I don’t know, I’ve lost count of the days after Chinese New Year. Hello my online journal, did you miss me?
Try as I might, it’s difficult for me to compartmentalise my life, in its purest sense. See, I really want to type in here as if I were writing in a real journal, but I know some of you are reading, and the lines overlap. I think this has something to do with me playing those games as a kid, where you’re not allowed to step on the lines. I do not remember what forfeits there were if you actually did step on those lines.
But in any case, my time away from typing, publishing, being on instant messengers or social media, basically participation with society has made me sort of a recluse. Not in an extreme sense, but just a sense of it. The funny thing about society is that, you want to be normal enough to not be an outcast, but you don’t want to be too normal that you just disappear in the sea of people. Dichotomies, ah.. my closest friend.
And yes, it was rather quiet. You wonder if you’re losing your mind because there are less things that justify who you are. But I think it breeds a sort of clarity. You kind of know yourself a bit better as opposed to seeing your reflection in the opinions of others. It’s also less harsh when you face up to your weaknesses without the critique of other people. But that’s just indulgent.
And so, everything that’s supposed to fade away, will fade away. Like the wind, you can’t catch it.. the pursuit gives us meaning, the surrender gives us resignation. I think we all walk the line somewhere in between, but in the end, everything that’s supposed to fade away, will fade away. I can’t get that out of my head, the brutal resignation. But still we’re here, and I supposed we haven’t faded away yet, so there’s some meaning to that.
Just some random shots with my hipstamatic app on the iPhone. I do like black and white photography, and maybe I’ll pursue it to some degree in the near future.
