So, the day has finally arrived. It’s been such a blur, since I stopped full time work last August, and basically took a break for the longest time, trying to find myself, find some answers, realign my priorities, look for a reason. But tomorrow, tomorrow will be a brand new chapter, re-employment, and teaching English + Social Studies in a school. With teenagers.
Wow. I can scarcely believe it. One part of me is wondering what I’ve gotten myself into, and another part of me either knows that this is what I believe I want to do, or should be doing. It’s not going to be easy, it’s only eleven thirty, and I’m preparing for bed, because with teaching comes the fortitude hours of eight AM classes, seven AM days.
I said at the start, that I embarked on a ‘journey’ to find myself again. Did I? Honestly, I don’t think so. But I do know I’ve grown somewhat. I know that with this new job, I will have new responsibilities, and I too will have to be more responsible of the charges under me. As much as I would like to live for myself, and to live out my dreams, I’ve learned that, it’s not always just about me. I have to help enable the people around me as well.
And I’ve had a good run. Playing gigs, writing blogs and even getting recognised for my efforts. They’re small victories that God has allowed to happen. I want to recognise that. They may seem small, or big, I honestly don’t know, and I really just don’t want that to define me. I only know that these gigs, these recognitions in my writing, they are good things, and I am so thankful. It bolsters me and gives me courage to keep working the crafts, even if I am working a full time job again.
Perhaps I wasn’t meant to be an artist, or that sort of artist. I don’t know.. I’m slightly afraid of the future, but more or less ambivalent. Come what may, I know God’s on my side. I’ve been rocked hard by some stellar punches that life threw at me, and still.. by sheer grace, I made it through. Battered, bruised, but pain heals.
Most importantly, I think I’ve learned what it means to rest, to know where your hope is, or where a man should put his strength in. How much, to what measure, to what cause, et cetera, et cetera. There are certain goals that I would love to accomplish, and by the grace of God, perhaps they will be accomplished if for His glory.
I don’t really have all the answers, perhaps I never will. It’s a little new to me, when I came out a fresh graduate, I thought I did have a lot of answers. But they were answers that served a different time in my life. Now, at the start of my twenty-eighth year, I’m looking for answers again. It’s a season of life, of cyclical questions into answers, constant learning, constant speed, constant hope.
And so, I leave this space, hoping to write soon, as a journal, and testament to the life that needs living.
So another week has gone by, but I do believe that this is the first entry in a while, that I have full use of both my hands since I fractured my wrist almost six weeks ago. Rehabilitation has been going pretty well, and I can play bass again, although some of the wrist muscles are still weak, and it’s probably better if I don’t over-exert them. It’s thought me how much I have to take care of myself, and it also revealed to me, that if I couldn’t play music, how else could I express myself as an individual.
Expression is something that I don’t really think about, or something I necessarily fumble around with. I suppose playing music for so long, writing my thoughts in a blog for so long, and being a professional in the media and communications industry, you learn how to express and articulate yourself. The things that seem second nature to me, perhaps sometimes do come across as foreign to people who aren’t used to expressing any such opinion.
Having said that, I don’t think I am the best, but maybe average or slightly above average. I like it when the ceiling is still far away, that I can recognise it and keep improving. But man, it does drain you at times. There are so many things I still want to pursue, so many more paths left to walk, so much work to be done. There’s been a healthy fascination with some new cultures, and some new projects I am undertaking, on top of starting a new job as an English + Social Studies teacher in about a week’s time. I’m starting to feel my age catching up on me, but I hope that the experience I’ve gathered also means that I learn to prioritise what’s important enough to pursue, and what I can put on the back burner, and still achieve all the creative goals I have for myself.
In a nutshell, now that my wrist is starting to get better, it’s time to re-look, and re-engage the online world with more publishing. I’m putting together a new blog, with all new editorial direction, especially in a topic I am interested in, as well as reworking my other blog (Singularity Industries), and making the editorial more focused, and in the process, more effective to what I want to achieve as a blogger.
When it comes to music, I should be laying down bass parts to the Shelves recording at Noel’s place next weel, and LEESON’s been practicing again, and we’ve got some new digital assets, so we can look at promoting the band again.
And then, there’s also the process of life that I have to sort out. My budgets, personal digital assets, instruments, paper trails that are all in dire need of housekeeping. I am determined to be a well oiled machine when it comes to keeping my house in order, so that I can focus more energy in my professional career, and the crafts that I am pursuing more seriously.
There are so many things I still hope to do: pick up photography, improve my bass playing, learn how to use sequencing software, write scripts or story ideas, learn boxing, lose weight, start cooking again, and then maybe.. find a girlfriend. Hahaha, though I’m not too sure how that one will fit in. It’s amazing how much I overcompensate from a lack of personal relationship, and pour all that excess energy into creative pursuits. It’s bittersweet, but I find it more enjoyable to apply myself creatively, instead of spending too much time trying to get into a relationship. Though having said that, if I’m seeing anyone, it’s with a more focused intention than who I was, say.. five years ago?
Focus seems to be the theme running through this entry. You realise that there are so many things to do, if you put yourself out there, to be around a culture, and contribute back to it. Yet, there are physical limitations to the limitless possibilities of your imagination. Hence, wisdom to prioritise, and pace yourself, is equally important now if you want to stay creative till the day you die. I suppose it’s a sort of discipline I want to try out. Too long I have been like the wind, flitting from project to project, and now making as much of an impact as I could have.
Aiyah, stretching yourself thin then say lah. Yeah. I’ve been stretching myself thin, I still feel it, but I’m half-excited for what tomorrow can bring, and allow me to work toward, and half lazy.. because inertia is such an easy trap to fall into.
