It has been far too long since I’ve typed in here. I’ve just been so busy with work and life events that I haven’t found the time to load the familiar blogging interface that has allowed me to chronicle the happenings, ins and outs of my thoughts and feelings. No big loss really, I think I’ve lost an audience, but still it brings comfort when I journal a portion of my ongoing journey.

The main thing I would like to get off my chest, is how I’m thinking of finishing my contract with the Ministry of Education as a teacher, and move on to something else. It’s been a grand journey, and I’ve accomplished most of the things I’d set out for myself to do in that, I could work in an organisation, I could be hardworking, and that I could contribute back to society. One thing I hadn’t planned on though, was that I don’t exactly do a very good job managing a classroom. I’m not a taskmaster in that I don’t think I set enough rules in place to create a conducive environment for teaching. I don’t believe my lessons are boring or that I don’t know what I’m teaching, but I’m just not the right fit for an organisation that requires me to have a particular management style. I suppose I could change, but in this regard, I won’t, not when there are still options and I know much more clearly, what I want for myself in this life. To which I would tell my current employers, don’t take it personally, it’s just business.

I’ve had a ball of a time, and I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything else. I’m really glad I took the step and spent time working the trenches, but I believe it’s time to stop pleasing other people (societal expectations and would-be futures) and start to do something for myself, and perhaps, finally be myself with the confidence that I’ve been lacking.

So that’s a major update. Other things that I’ve been busy with are the usual things that have always kept me busy. Music, writing, being a friend, being a son and also, being a paying customer to the Pigeonhole, a nice art-space cafe that my friends Ave & Rayner have set up. Check out the news and future happenings at this link. -> here.

I’ve really been taken by the place. It really helps that I’m friends with the owners, and that I can perhaps almost live vicariously through their plunge as cafe proprietors. But I’ve had so much fun meeting new people, friends, taking part in PowerPoint KTVs and Open Mic sessions. It’s been a wonderful respite to my otherwise confined working environment of mass produced education for the public. It’s a great feeling to express yourself creatively, and that’s what I crave for, and what I want to be around in my next job. Copywriting? Working in the arts or something music related? Yes, these are all questions that are easier to answer now that I have the blessing of retrospect.

The big lesson I’m taking away from the past four months, is that somethings, I just have to take a plunge, feet first into the chill waters and hope to God that I can swim against the current. Pray that He gives us the strength to swim back to shore and not be swept away by the undertow. But take a first step. Don’t hold back.

There was supposed to be cell group tonight, but it got canceled, so I found my Wednesday with no plans. Usually I’d be irritated if my regularity gets disrupted, but not tonight. Maybe it’s because mid-week respites are something that should be welcomed, especially if you already go to church weekly, and sometimes you spend an entire weekend in church preparing for worship since you’re part of the band and play two services on Sunday. I also know that this isn’t about keeping score, and what’s the bare minimum about being a Christian, it’s simply taking respite when it presents itself.

So, it’s been about a month since I typed into this journal of mine. Life has happened for me. I work a job teaching kids English and Social Studies, sometimes it isn’t easy holding their attention, sometimes I wear myself down too much because my lessons are never fully prepared to the best of what I think my abilities are, sometimes they are not presented the best way I’d like to present them, sometimes, they’re not involving the students as much as I’d like. More importantly, sometimes I don’t know whether my methods are effecting in helping these kids learn something.

In that sense, there’s so much more to improve on, and I want to improve. By george, if there’s a better way of doing something, I’d want to learn from people around me, from their experience, from their methods. Some people say that you must have a passion for youth when you teach. I don’t think that’s necessarily true. What I think is more pertinent to the calling of a teacher, is that you want to impart something. So in that sense, you cater your methods to the comprehension levels of your audience. And you just want to help bridge that gap in knowledge, for someone to learn, even if they don’t know it yet.

Anyhow, because of me pursuing this new aspect of a professional career, I also find myself putting my old life behind me. Y’know, that thing they call social media, the field I was working in before everybody thought doing social media was cool. Right now, I have better things to think about then what the best way to influence somebody is, which marketing campaigns are cool, which one makes people buy things or makes people talk about things. Right now, I don’t have to convince people that we should choose Facebook over blogs, or tell companies what the best way of reaching out to their audience is. Because, now I know something that plagues agencies who’ve never been on the client side.

We have our own problems. And I know why we’re skeptical about some social media strategies or campaigns that get presented, because they don’t address our concerns. While I did not cross over to the client side of marketing or communications, I leaf through education blogs every now and then, and the same thing plagues teachers or educators. People saying that social media makes everything better, but not being empathetic to the challenges that people on the ground face.

I’m an early adopter, so it’s easier for me to sieve past the bullshite. Not so much for some older colleagues perhaps, who have tried and tested methodologies of getting results, but are being pressured to change for what seems to be a shiney-object-syndrome. My heart goes out to these stalwarts, the old guard, the people who have something I will never achieve overnight, the experience of carving out their own niche. I think we should be respectful of such people, especially when they are doing good work with old methods, and when they are ready, when younger folk like me have proven ourselves to them that we are not just talk, and can produce good work too, only then does that qualify us to collaborate and show them some of the things that we’ve learned in our use of technology.

I’m just saying is all. Because this has what’s gotten me quite depressed every time I look at my Twitter feeds. Young know-it-alls who constantly push their own agenda, without realising how antagonistic they can be at times. Hell, maybe I was like that at one time. But I’ve always been critical about media, and I damn well should be critical about social media. I love how Pat put it, you’re not trying to cure cancer. I love how she’s brutal and blunt like that, and I think that makes her great in the field that she is. No bullshite, there’s a method to the madness, and we walk the talk. But there’s still a lot of catching up to do in the marketing sector, plenty of other people who don’t really care and just pretend that they’re good at their jobs.

Maybe I felt like I was just pretending to care sometimes, and that’s why I left marketing and communications. But now I’ve found something that I care about, that I want to protect, that is cause for professional pursuit. So, for now, this is enough.

Anyway, that’s what it’s been like on the professional side. In terms of personal interests, I’m really glad, and proud to say that there’s a new songwriting unit in town. Ave’s the brains behind Penpusher, and well, I guess I’m her co-brain. She asked me out of the blue if I was interested in forming a band. I still maintain that Penpusher is not a band (yet), but as a songwriting unit, we’re doing good work. We’re writing songs, we’re understanding how we operate, we’ve roped in Thomas who’s been an incredible help and joy to work with, Rudi who sits in sometimes, offers creative input.. and slowly but surely, the songs are starting to take shape, and when they’re ready to be interpreted by a band instead of just the two or three of us, we’ll let that happen. It’s nice when you start with a blank canvas, and you’re working on a particular space of the canvas, and you see that there are other portions that could use work, and you start planning how it’s all going to come together, how the dots will be joined, and how the finished product will look like in the end. Well, we can only imagine. I’m of the romantic notion that songs birth themselves, and we’re merely the midwives bringing them into the world. Hippie, I know. Kill me now.

It’s been another long, tiring day, surviving on four and a half hours of sleep again. I really need to make an effort to get enough rest to allow me to get through the next day, and maybe enjoy my time off work better.

Today’s lessons were a mixed bag. There was some improvement of participation in some classes, but there were others that were a total nightmare! There was a particular one that had 40 students in total, all the way from Secondary One to Secondary Four.. and I guess I got the full brunt of disruptive students. It really is a minority that sap all your strength, and can make you question your resolve, or why you’re doing this in the first place.

Also, one of the teachers came to talk to me and thank me for my efforts, as well as share a bit more about the school. As we chatted, it became startlingly apparent that I was only tasting the full workload and responsibilities of a teacher. As you can imagine, I am starting to doubt if I actually have it in me to make this a career and change my own life.

As I made my daily pilgrimage to the kopitiam near my house after work, I was watching this video from the Monocle Podcast. It’s about Thandi Wines, the first Vineyard and Wine Company managed by a black collective in an industry dominated by white men, until now. Do watch the video, it’s quite inspirational seeing their general manager talk with so much passion about what he does, why he believes in it, and why he knows it’s the right thing to do. This passion translates into energy, and the application of knowledge, experience and labour in an economical and profitable manner. And like he says, improving the lives of his fellow men.

So it got me thinking about my own passions. Passion to teach and nurture that is. Or passion to come up with lesson plans, or improve the quality of education. What exactly is it? And what will allow me to come to work daily, full of purpose? Courage and strength to change what I can, and wisdom to accept what I can’t. I’m still a bit unsure, there are plenty of noble things that come with teaching, but the reality is that it is a lot of hard work, a lot students who don’t care, who don’t fit in.. and while there is nothing morally wrong, or factually wrong (if there’s a statistic for success vs. failure), and people always fall through the cracks.. I do wonder if the acceptance that one teacher cannot save everyone is throwing in the towel, or being realistic.. to apply energies more economically to helping those that want help.

I suspect this is one of those things where it cannot just measured by pros and cons. I have a sneaking suspicion that the cons might outweigh the pros, but I do wonder if that’s what its like to be in the civil service. But one of my main concerns is, will there be a work-life balance? Will workflow be more streamlined the longer I stay in this field, and not need to spend so much energy performing the most basic of tasks. I hope the realisation comes sooner than later.

So it was the second day for me at my relief position, and I haven’t been sleeping much because I’ve been staying up preparing lesson plans and materials. It’s a bit draining when you don’t really have a template to follow, and each class and student almost feels as if you need a customised approach.

I’m not going to pin the blame on any system, as I’m still too green to critique on that, but I do recognise my general inexperience to the teaching profession. Already I can see that I need some sort of text, syllabus or format to be more effective in my preparations and planning. Also I’ve nailed a rough system, that given more time, I can apply the following methodology more effectively.

1. What do I want my students to learn?

2. What teaching methods will I use?

3. What teaching aids and materials will we need?

4. How do I assess the the aptitude of my students for the topic?

5. How do I assess the effectiveness of the methods and material?

6. How can I make this lesson interesting?

But lastly, the relational aspect of handling a class of youths is something that constantly changes, and the teacher has to be quick on his or her feet to improvise when necessary.

I almost liken each lesson to be a sort of performance, that should connect with the audience on a level that allows them to take something away. Hence, being able to effectively present will do justice to the due diligence that happens during the preparation phase. Maybe the flow for each of my lessons should look something like this:

Preparation -> Delivery -> Revision -> Assessment

But perhaps the tip I want to remember most, is what was shared by Uncle Soo Inn, “Be real. Care for the students. Learn from your fumbles. Trust in God. You are going to be ok. ”

I ask myself this question a lot, because as I have equal number of people who do understand my desire to switch to teaching as opposed to continuing in the media industry (note: as of writing this, I am still waiting as to whether I will be granted an interview with the Ministry of Education), I probably have an equal number who express surprise when I tell them of my decision.

One of the biggest changes, is probably the glitz and glamour perpetuated by the media. The cars, the events, the fashion, the celebrities. If anything, I suppose that’s where I’ve never felt comfortable in my own skin, the need for things to be sexy. I try to be more practical in the way I choose to live my life, and with the constant trends and wants, you never really attain that. There’s always something that sells news, and I’m not comfortable with that. I know it’s paradoxical when I prefer things to work silently when I perform in a band, but I think working in public relations has showed me how much news is manufactured, or basically most things in the media are manufactured. The mechanics involved break down the illusion of the lifestyle.

I’m not trying to bad-mouth anything, I still have tremendous respect for my peers, who are making a living for themselves. We all have different callings in life, I suppose mine isn’t to live the life I left behind. The thing is that in the long run, I’ll still be making music, I’ll still be blogging, and I’ll probably still be excited about the same things, perpetuated by the media or not. I still like and dislike the media, but if there’s a difference in leaving the industry, is that the media isn’t my life anymore. It’s probably going to be something else.

That’s the problem with me, when it comes to pursuing a craft or profession, I tend to take on the role of a method actor, where I don’t do so well at compartmentalisng my life, separating personal from professional. I tend to integrate facets of both to create a unique product, that somehow becomes the life i live. It makes me give more than I should, and also receive less than expected. It’s not meant to be transactional, I don’t particularly excel at that, hence I’m not a shrewed businessman.

All in all, I’m also looking for personal satisfaction, and hence I’m willing to give up certain material things, at a shot at more intangible contentment. Perhaps I’m getting rid of peripheral distractions, and looking more into intrinsic factors.. will I live to regret anything? I hope not, afterall, life is too short for regrets, and maybe I don’t need much to be happy.

I really should not be staying up into the wee hours of my friend’s home playing Borderlands. It’s messing with my sleep cycle, and turning me into a vampire. But I pray it doesn’t take me over, fight the evils of nocturnalism!

I usually stay up late, but even this is getting a bit ridiculous. In fact, I think one of my goals is to sleep earlier and wake up earlier, if I’m going to get the hang of the teacher thing in the future.

Oh yeah, by next weekend, I’ll find out if I’ve been given an interview to try out for Teaching. It’s a big step and change for me if I get it. But I think it’s a positive change, it’s a career I see myself in, and I’m motivated to go far, even as a civil servant. I suppose there’s a sort of stigma with civil service vs. private sector work, but I don’t think I’m a particularly profit driven individual and I welcome the change if I get it. That at least is my thought process.