It has been far too long since I’ve typed in here. I’ve just been so busy with work and life events that I haven’t found the time to load the familiar blogging interface that has allowed me to chronicle the happenings, ins and outs of my thoughts and feelings. No big loss really, I think I’ve lost an audience, but still it brings comfort when I journal a portion of my ongoing journey.
The main thing I would like to get off my chest, is how I’m thinking of finishing my contract with the Ministry of Education as a teacher, and move on to something else. It’s been a grand journey, and I’ve accomplished most of the things I’d set out for myself to do in that, I could work in an organisation, I could be hardworking, and that I could contribute back to society. One thing I hadn’t planned on though, was that I don’t exactly do a very good job managing a classroom. I’m not a taskmaster in that I don’t think I set enough rules in place to create a conducive environment for teaching. I don’t believe my lessons are boring or that I don’t know what I’m teaching, but I’m just not the right fit for an organisation that requires me to have a particular management style. I suppose I could change, but in this regard, I won’t, not when there are still options and I know much more clearly, what I want for myself in this life. To which I would tell my current employers, don’t take it personally, it’s just business.
I’ve had a ball of a time, and I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything else. I’m really glad I took the step and spent time working the trenches, but I believe it’s time to stop pleasing other people (societal expectations and would-be futures) and start to do something for myself, and perhaps, finally be myself with the confidence that I’ve been lacking.
So that’s a major update. Other things that I’ve been busy with are the usual things that have always kept me busy. Music, writing, being a friend, being a son and also, being a paying customer to the Pigeonhole, a nice art-space cafe that my friends Ave & Rayner have set up. Check out the news and future happenings at this link. -> here.
I’ve really been taken by the place. It really helps that I’m friends with the owners, and that I can perhaps almost live vicariously through their plunge as cafe proprietors. But I’ve had so much fun meeting new people, friends, taking part in PowerPoint KTVs and Open Mic sessions. It’s been a wonderful respite to my otherwise confined working environment of mass produced education for the public. It’s a great feeling to express yourself creatively, and that’s what I crave for, and what I want to be around in my next job. Copywriting? Working in the arts or something music related? Yes, these are all questions that are easier to answer now that I have the blessing of retrospect.
The big lesson I’m taking away from the past four months, is that somethings, I just have to take a plunge, feet first into the chill waters and hope to God that I can swim against the current. Pray that He gives us the strength to swim back to shore and not be swept away by the undertow. But take a first step. Don’t hold back.
“black was a much better colour for doctors back in the day.”
Catharsis was one of the main reasons I’ve maintained a blog. In recent times, I’d stopped coming into this space to type down my thoughts and feelings, because to a certain degree, it seemed unbecoming for a professional to come into his personal space and air his disappointments, frustrations, indecision and insecurity.
Perhaps it started back when I had first become a communications consultant. When it comes to communications, even in the spirit of being transparent, one still has to show a posture of strength, control and confidence. So maybe I’m throwing my own advice out of the window when I have to renew a vigor in writing, by coming back to this space with a melancholic, and fidgety spirit.
I’m afraid of the education system failing you. I’m afraid of the educator failing you. But I’m certain that education will not fail you. The system and teacher are man-made, and as such.. are perfect constructs for being fallible. The ideal of education however, simply remains an ideal, and is perhaps in a higher order above man, perhaps in the realm of nature and universal truths. But I don’t think knowledge and wisdom will ever be detrimental to the being of man or the society which she serves.
Maybe it is in this ideal that I can find some comfort in my shortfalls. That I am tired, from trying to plan lessons for Wednesday and Thursday, trying to finish marking and keying in all the results of my students for the termly progress report for three different subjects by Thursday. The task seems insurmountable when I have more lesson preparation before the week ends, a spelling bee contest to plan by next week, one e-learning package to finalise and upload by this Thursday, and another by Friday. Staying on top of two events that will be happening in late March and early April, a camp to go for in the middle of March, as well as balance my remedial training with the army that takes me away every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday for about 3 hours a time. Time that could have been spent at work.
Maybe there’s a slight tinge of guilt, because I could have forgone my social obligations for the past two weeks and been a bit more on top of things, but again, I placed too much confidence in my ability, and less caution to my weaknesses and trappings.
But if there is a sliver of hope, it is that if I survive this week, the next two weeks will be much quieter, and I can really plan for the next quarter that starts on the 21st of March. If my nerves breathe normal, and I suck it in till the end of the week, I could be a very happy person starting this weekend.
Tired because I feel as if I have been working non-stop since the year started. Although I started teaching in September last year, it was only at the start of this year that I was given my own classes, and the whole responsibility of imparting to them the syllabus, the guidance and the example of which to perhaps get through or survive Secondary education.
I’m tired because whatever respite I have, seems to involve playing music, having rehearsals, going for Remedial Training with the army or trying to finish my work. Even when I’m supposed to be able to look forward to the one-week vacation that comes in mid-march, I have to go back into an army camp, so that I may perform my duty toward my country in what is known as the annual In-Camp Training.
I’m tired because I’m constantly thinking and worrying about work. Maybe I’m also just constantly worrying. Worrying about whether this will be the career I settle in because slowly, I find myself having to conform to the nature of the civil service, just so I can prove my worth toward the organisation. It is a rigid process and I am a fluid person. I know I wanted stability, but it almost seems as if the walls are closing in. Maybe I’m tired because I feel as if I want to go one direction in terms of personal development, and another when it comes to professional development. It’s as if, the two don’t seem to be moving forward in accordance with each other.
Maybe it’s because of my constant worrying, that I’m feeling terrified as well. I’m terrified about the future, and the decisions I have to make today, in the vain illusion that I am securing my future. A stable job and a healthy career, how I conduct myself and how vulnerable I should be, so that I may find a partner, which creative endeavours I still have feelings for to grow as a human being, and perhaps the crux of it all, to find my spiritual centre again.
I’m terrified, because the stablising aspect of having a job that is bound by a timetable and strict bureaucracy, while it helps me organise my life and perhaps be a higher functioning member of society, seems to take away some of my more creative functions. I’m terrified that I’m losing a piece of my identity toward the giant machinations of modern man. I’m terrified that I’ll never be able to express myself, or that I’ll become the machine I so intensely fought when I was a youth. I’m terrified that the youth of my existence is redundant and no longer necessary in the age of adulthood. Perhaps I’m terrified that none of that mattered.
I’m terrified that these fears do not make me the best adult I can be, and for what reason do I want to be this great adult? Mayhaps it has something to do with finally achieving something worthwhile after having all the opportunities and potential to do something, be somewhere or be someone, and you don’t want it all to come down to squandered chances. Perhaps I’m terrified of adulthood and the future, because I haven’t quite gotten all figured out, or that I haven’t quite gotten it under control. It’s a terrifying thing when you feel as if you’re holding on by a thread, that the rest of your life could all hang in the balance because of a single decision, or an attitude, or knowledge, or faith that what you are doing could be the right or wrong thing.
Gone are the days of playing RPGs where you could reload a save point and relive a character’s life and undo past errors. Gone are the days when life could be escaped into music, television and video games. Gone are the days where life could be escaped by being cryptic on a blog or venting your frustrations in writing and loud music, strange spirits or menthol cigarettes.
For all the times I’ve tried to resist the pressures of life by simply rolling with the punches, it seems like its time to start to fight back, gain some ground, defend your weak spots and go for the liver shot, crumpling every adversary standing in your way.
But allow me to speak plainly here. I’m still tired and terrified, and I have no idea how many rounds I can last before the bell rings, when I either win or lose on points, or I win or lose due to a technical knockout, or I win or lose through the sheer brilliance of the knockout of my life.
Sometimes, on certain days, I like to escape into worlds created by other people. They’re not my worlds for various reasons, but in these places, they could be video game environments I interact with, somebody else’s narrative that I read or watch. Lately, that has been separated into three different medias, Vanquish, Entourage and American Gods.
Well, I did finish watching all ten episodes of Entourage Season 7 yesterday, and I’m about halfway through American Gods and Vanquish now. It’s always a guilty feeling switching between the two, like I should be doing more of the other, or maybe doing something more of something else. Something more productive that escaping. But then, when the idiot box comes on, all concerns fly out the window. The idiot box is the most mind-numbing of medias. It doesn’t need you to do anything, except watch it, and maybe fire up a few neurons to link certain narrative or interest points together. There probably isn’t anything intelligent about watching television, although I think making television would be quite an arduous, intellectual process.
It takes effort to dumb things down. And that’s where people who choose to remain dumb, apathetic, and believe everything they watch, should stay exactly the way they are, and leave the rest of the higher order functions of life to the sapiens.
Well, in an imaginary world, that could happen. Lately, I wonder if imagination has been leaking into the real world. The same way perspective and reality are so intertwined. It probably has, there isn’t anything really abstract about my thinking. It doesn’t even sound intelligent, although it vaguely tries to be. Maybe I still wished life had giant robots, or superpowers.. but I think what people really want in real life, is to be a protagonist, someone of importance, where the forces within this dreamed up world are working directly for or against him. Everything that exists in an imaginary world works to build directly for or against it’s protagonist. What that means is, a protagonist matters to any story, or make-believe world.
And we all would like to matter. Or die in front of a television.
So another week has gone by, but I do believe that this is the first entry in a while, that I have full use of both my hands since I fractured my wrist almost six weeks ago. Rehabilitation has been going pretty well, and I can play bass again, although some of the wrist muscles are still weak, and it’s probably better if I don’t over-exert them. It’s thought me how much I have to take care of myself, and it also revealed to me, that if I couldn’t play music, how else could I express myself as an individual.
Expression is something that I don’t really think about, or something I necessarily fumble around with. I suppose playing music for so long, writing my thoughts in a blog for so long, and being a professional in the media and communications industry, you learn how to express and articulate yourself. The things that seem second nature to me, perhaps sometimes do come across as foreign to people who aren’t used to expressing any such opinion.
Having said that, I don’t think I am the best, but maybe average or slightly above average. I like it when the ceiling is still far away, that I can recognise it and keep improving. But man, it does drain you at times. There are so many things I still want to pursue, so many more paths left to walk, so much work to be done. There’s been a healthy fascination with some new cultures, and some new projects I am undertaking, on top of starting a new job as an English + Social Studies teacher in about a week’s time. I’m starting to feel my age catching up on me, but I hope that the experience I’ve gathered also means that I learn to prioritise what’s important enough to pursue, and what I can put on the back burner, and still achieve all the creative goals I have for myself.
In a nutshell, now that my wrist is starting to get better, it’s time to re-look, and re-engage the online world with more publishing. I’m putting together a new blog, with all new editorial direction, especially in a topic I am interested in, as well as reworking my other blog (Singularity Industries), and making the editorial more focused, and in the process, more effective to what I want to achieve as a blogger.
When it comes to music, I should be laying down bass parts to the Shelves recording at Noel’s place next weel, and LEESON’s been practicing again, and we’ve got some new digital assets, so we can look at promoting the band again.
And then, there’s also the process of life that I have to sort out. My budgets, personal digital assets, instruments, paper trails that are all in dire need of housekeeping. I am determined to be a well oiled machine when it comes to keeping my house in order, so that I can focus more energy in my professional career, and the crafts that I am pursuing more seriously.
There are so many things I still hope to do: pick up photography, improve my bass playing, learn how to use sequencing software, write scripts or story ideas, learn boxing, lose weight, start cooking again, and then maybe.. find a girlfriend. Hahaha, though I’m not too sure how that one will fit in. It’s amazing how much I overcompensate from a lack of personal relationship, and pour all that excess energy into creative pursuits. It’s bittersweet, but I find it more enjoyable to apply myself creatively, instead of spending too much time trying to get into a relationship. Though having said that, if I’m seeing anyone, it’s with a more focused intention than who I was, say.. five years ago?
Focus seems to be the theme running through this entry. You realise that there are so many things to do, if you put yourself out there, to be around a culture, and contribute back to it. Yet, there are physical limitations to the limitless possibilities of your imagination. Hence, wisdom to prioritise, and pace yourself, is equally important now if you want to stay creative till the day you die. I suppose it’s a sort of discipline I want to try out. Too long I have been like the wind, flitting from project to project, and now making as much of an impact as I could have.
Aiyah, stretching yourself thin then say lah. Yeah. I’ve been stretching myself thin, I still feel it, but I’m half-excited for what tomorrow can bring, and allow me to work toward, and half lazy.. because inertia is such an easy trap to fall into.
Hopefully bu Tuesday, the cast on my left arm can be taken off, and I can finally carry on with my life per normal. Be that the case, I reckon I’ll miss it somewhat. The conversations I get from random strangers, the way I clumsily try to get things done, or cover it with a plastic bag with each shower. If anything, it was the very strange experience of effectively having only one arm.
Not being able to physically do many things, meant that my mind went on overdrive, but was still paced with not being able to follow through with physical action, that resulted in more detailed thought processes that ensured economy of motion to maximise effectiveness.
It’s funny how it takes a disability to teach you that, step back, don’t immerse yourself in the trenches, and forget the campaign that needs fighting.
Why so militaristic?
I don’t know. Maybe it’s the way my brain draws connection to the concept of strife and obstacles. When I was in the army, that was probably the only time I had to rely on a fighting spirit to see me through certain exercises, that right now it’s just a reflex, conditioned response.
I’m a fighter, not a lover.
And so, I’m thinking about the two or three weeks of break time I will have before I finally start teaching (for real.) Yes, I really am going to be a teacher. I have a contract with the Ministry of Education to teach English and Social Studies. It’s finally happening, life is starting to happen again. While I’d been working for the past two months, it’s only been a short term arrangement, whereas this new arrangement, will be more long term, and I can start rebuilding my life and relationships around this new arrangement.
It’s going to be pretty exciting, I’ve never been more fired up about trying to juggle my bands, commitments and writing engagements all at once. I’ll have to choose carefully just where my time goes. But I think this time away from regular work, while tough in terms of surviving, or having a life (little cash flow), has really opened my eyes and broadened my horizons past my perceptions of my previous industry. I think I’m walking into this new chapter with a whole new set of priorities, and my only wish is that I can finish as well as when I started, hopefully for the better.
But yes, there are some new toys that I really want to purchase, that will allow me to pursue other aspects of my craft to a new level. This is a benefit of having direction I suppose. It focuses your thoughts, and channels your energy into a generator that actually converts it into a usable fuel.
And so with that, here’s to new chapters, new directions and constant surprises.
A fairly resounding day with me presenting to a class of nine, 14 year old students a compact, two hour introduction to making documentaries and some erstwhile tips to surviving the process. It was a lot to condense, and I didn’t have that much time to prepare, but if you can be bothered to look through the presentation, there are links at the end of it that points to the examples I used to highlight what documentaries could be.
After that, it was off to a social gathering organised by my church’s young adults’ network. I thought it was quite a nice gathering from folk, and I caught up with a few leaders who were older than me, and we talked about my decision to start teaching (in September). I suppose it was kind of cathartic for me, and also introspective to listen to the accounts of people who have been there before me.
So there was food, and there were sodas, someone made incredible cheesecakes (that were generous with the crumbly base.) But things really picked up when my friend showed up with his incredible “Horse Head”. If you wear this, you inadvertently turn into Horse Head Man. Here are the pictures:
“To kill a Horse Head Man”
Lens: Helga Viking
Film: Pisitl
“Let all creation sing..”
Lens: Helga Viking
Film: Pistil
“Validation”
Lens: Helga Viking
Film: Pistil
“Nothing to see here”
Lens: Quadcamera
If you would like, you can view the rest of the set here. –> link
And lastly, I was just thinking, before I die, or after I die, I would like to publish all my personal entries into a book entitled “The Published Work Of The Misadventures Of Brian Leery.”
It’s amazing how often I actually come into this blank space with nothing to say. It really is a blank slate, the title to this post probably won’t be thought off till something just randomly pops into my head closer to the end. Honestly, in this version of my blogging/writing style, there is very little thought that goes from brain to screen.
For example, my blogging platform (wordpress) just generated “353″ as my default permalink, of which I will definitely change, but I’m telling you that now to demonstrate just how much I am not thinking at the moment.
It’s nice to type in here without that sort of pressure.
I suspect I do not function well under pressure. I secretly am afraid, and pressurised if someone tells me that I write well, or do various things well. I usually just try to say thank you, and not let it get to my head. The moment I do, constant editing and a quest to write the perfect piece takes over, and I just get paralyzed. I’m the sort of person that flows, I react more than I plan.. it’s just the conditions I thrive in. These are not necessarily the skills that will make you a successful person, but you will find a richness in life that money doesn’t always buy. You see things that other people don’t see, you thrive on little quirks that make you raise an eyebrow, as you give a silent chuckle to yourself as you get the little inside joke that is inherent in all things life-related.
Today, while working on the video project, I guess I could finally articulate just what sort of creative person I am. I think I am a rather subtle person. Perhaps I would do better at a cinema-verite style of filmmaking where I just like things unfold in the frame. It’s a slower way of telling the story, but I think I like letting the audience unpack what they are consuming. Open to interpretation as they say. Leave a few visual markers here and there, light shifts in tone and pace.. nudges instead of signposts that lead you on. Where meaning is discovered rather than explained.
Perhaps I’m like that on a daily basis. As much as I’d like to know where I’m headed, I’m also very much intrigued by what is going to happen. Good things still surprise me, bad things are expected, but when you see something marvelous, it truly is a beautiful sensation. That’s why I’ve matured from just being a cynic, I’ve been lifted out from that pit that the earth is a cold dead place. I know that it is, but the wonderment comes from actually being alive, and being pleasantly surprised when life sometimes deals you a good hand.
In some sense, it’s perched on the old saying that you can choose how you want to feel. It’s true, in life you get dealt shitty hands, and you get dealt some stellar hands. But life isn’t figured out in a lifetime, as long as you are still open and you haven’t completely closed your heart, you just prepare yourself that much more should something good come along, or at least pass you by. When you close your heart, you close your eyes, and you only see what your brain’s been conditioned to think. It’s different from having an irritatingly sunny disposition, but an open outlook to both the beauty and darkness of the mortal coil.
As long as we’re still breathing, I’ll try to keep my heart and eyes open. If you blink, you might have just missed the spark that’s in all of us, in all created things.
