“black was a much better colour for doctors back in the day.”
Catharsis was one of the main reasons I’ve maintained a blog. In recent times, I’d stopped coming into this space to type down my thoughts and feelings, because to a certain degree, it seemed unbecoming for a professional to come into his personal space and air his disappointments, frustrations, indecision and insecurity.
Perhaps it started back when I had first become a communications consultant. When it comes to communications, even in the spirit of being transparent, one still has to show a posture of strength, control and confidence. So maybe I’m throwing my own advice out of the window when I have to renew a vigor in writing, by coming back to this space with a melancholic, and fidgety spirit.
I’m afraid of the education system failing you. I’m afraid of the educator failing you. But I’m certain that education will not fail you. The system and teacher are man-made, and as such.. are perfect constructs for being fallible. The ideal of education however, simply remains an ideal, and is perhaps in a higher order above man, perhaps in the realm of nature and universal truths. But I don’t think knowledge and wisdom will ever be detrimental to the being of man or the society which she serves.
Maybe it is in this ideal that I can find some comfort in my shortfalls. That I am tired, from trying to plan lessons for Wednesday and Thursday, trying to finish marking and keying in all the results of my students for the termly progress report for three different subjects by Thursday. The task seems insurmountable when I have more lesson preparation before the week ends, a spelling bee contest to plan by next week, one e-learning package to finalise and upload by this Thursday, and another by Friday. Staying on top of two events that will be happening in late March and early April, a camp to go for in the middle of March, as well as balance my remedial training with the army that takes me away every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday for about 3 hours a time. Time that could have been spent at work.
Maybe there’s a slight tinge of guilt, because I could have forgone my social obligations for the past two weeks and been a bit more on top of things, but again, I placed too much confidence in my ability, and less caution to my weaknesses and trappings.
But if there is a sliver of hope, it is that if I survive this week, the next two weeks will be much quieter, and I can really plan for the next quarter that starts on the 21st of March. If my nerves breathe normal, and I suck it in till the end of the week, I could be a very happy person starting this weekend.
It’s been another long, tiring day, surviving on four and a half hours of sleep again. I really need to make an effort to get enough rest to allow me to get through the next day, and maybe enjoy my time off work better.
Today’s lessons were a mixed bag. There was some improvement of participation in some classes, but there were others that were a total nightmare! There was a particular one that had 40 students in total, all the way from Secondary One to Secondary Four.. and I guess I got the full brunt of disruptive students. It really is a minority that sap all your strength, and can make you question your resolve, or why you’re doing this in the first place.
Also, one of the teachers came to talk to me and thank me for my efforts, as well as share a bit more about the school. As we chatted, it became startlingly apparent that I was only tasting the full workload and responsibilities of a teacher. As you can imagine, I am starting to doubt if I actually have it in me to make this a career and change my own life.
As I made my daily pilgrimage to the kopitiam near my house after work, I was watching this video from the Monocle Podcast. It’s about Thandi Wines, the first Vineyard and Wine Company managed by a black collective in an industry dominated by white men, until now. Do watch the video, it’s quite inspirational seeing their general manager talk with so much passion about what he does, why he believes in it, and why he knows it’s the right thing to do. This passion translates into energy, and the application of knowledge, experience and labour in an economical and profitable manner. And like he says, improving the lives of his fellow men.
So it got me thinking about my own passions. Passion to teach and nurture that is. Or passion to come up with lesson plans, or improve the quality of education. What exactly is it? And what will allow me to come to work daily, full of purpose? Courage and strength to change what I can, and wisdom to accept what I can’t. I’m still a bit unsure, there are plenty of noble things that come with teaching, but the reality is that it is a lot of hard work, a lot students who don’t care, who don’t fit in.. and while there is nothing morally wrong, or factually wrong (if there’s a statistic for success vs. failure), and people always fall through the cracks.. I do wonder if the acceptance that one teacher cannot save everyone is throwing in the towel, or being realistic.. to apply energies more economically to helping those that want help.
I suspect this is one of those things where it cannot just measured by pros and cons. I have a sneaking suspicion that the cons might outweigh the pros, but I do wonder if that’s what its like to be in the civil service. But one of my main concerns is, will there be a work-life balance? Will workflow be more streamlined the longer I stay in this field, and not need to spend so much energy performing the most basic of tasks. I hope the realisation comes sooner than later.
So it was the second day for me at my relief position, and I haven’t been sleeping much because I’ve been staying up preparing lesson plans and materials. It’s a bit draining when you don’t really have a template to follow, and each class and student almost feels as if you need a customised approach.
I’m not going to pin the blame on any system, as I’m still too green to critique on that, but I do recognise my general inexperience to the teaching profession. Already I can see that I need some sort of text, syllabus or format to be more effective in my preparations and planning. Also I’ve nailed a rough system, that given more time, I can apply the following methodology more effectively.
1. What do I want my students to learn?
2. What teaching methods will I use?
3. What teaching aids and materials will we need?
4. How do I assess the the aptitude of my students for the topic?
5. How do I assess the effectiveness of the methods and material?
6. How can I make this lesson interesting?
But lastly, the relational aspect of handling a class of youths is something that constantly changes, and the teacher has to be quick on his or her feet to improvise when necessary.
I almost liken each lesson to be a sort of performance, that should connect with the audience on a level that allows them to take something away. Hence, being able to effectively present will do justice to the due diligence that happens during the preparation phase. Maybe the flow for each of my lessons should look something like this:
Preparation -> Delivery -> Revision -> Assessment
But perhaps the tip I want to remember most, is what was shared by Uncle Soo Inn, “Be real. Care for the students. Learn from your fumbles. Trust in God. You are going to be ok. ”
Okay, I admit, it was rather strenuous. I know before this, deep down, I was always downplaying the immense energy required to do proper crowd control in a classroom, thinking rather naively, that students crave knowledge. (As I have accustomed myself too ever since university.)
But perhaps the reality is, we all want different things, and for some, being locked into a class with a teacher is very stifling. The problem with organised education is that it’s very difficult to please everybody. I suppose the balance of having a fun and enjoyable learning environment plus being super effective is indeed as razor thin as a strand of hair.
Anyway, I expanded quite a lot of energy on various administrative tasks that range from lesson preparation, technical trouble shooting, worrying about structures and just trying to teach. It was definitely eye opening, having no formal training whatsoever, and not having that much time to prepare, but maybe tomorrow I will be better.
So, I’m physically drained, but the other parts of me are rather lifted. It’s nice to be working again, applying myself in a productive fashion. I only hope it’s not a short lived thing, but that I can perhaps make a career out of doing something useful with my life.
Oh well, I just wrote in here so that one day I can look back on all this.
I really should not be staying up into the wee hours of my friend’s home playing Borderlands. It’s messing with my sleep cycle, and turning me into a vampire. But I pray it doesn’t take me over, fight the evils of nocturnalism!
I usually stay up late, but even this is getting a bit ridiculous. In fact, I think one of my goals is to sleep earlier and wake up earlier, if I’m going to get the hang of the teacher thing in the future.
Oh yeah, by next weekend, I’ll find out if I’ve been given an interview to try out for Teaching. It’s a big step and change for me if I get it. But I think it’s a positive change, it’s a career I see myself in, and I’m motivated to go far, even as a civil servant. I suppose there’s a sort of stigma with civil service vs. private sector work, but I don’t think I’m a particularly profit driven individual and I welcome the change if I get it. That at least is my thought process.
”